Dude Smells Like A Lady
by Mirrankei
Summary: TG kink meme prompt: Touka identifies as lesbian, and has all her life. After Kaneki becomes a ghoul though, she finds herself attracted to his smell. ... Kaneki waited as Touka continued staring at him, brows furrowed, breathing through her nose. He could see her nostrils flaring slightly with each breath, her hair waving gently in the breeze it generated.


"You smell like a woman."

Kaneki nearly dropped the pot of coffee he'd been brewing, fumbling to catch it and flinching as he burned his hand on the side. "Wh-what?"

Touka continued staring at him. The trickle of customers had petered out over the past hour, and she had spent a good portion of that time watching Kaneki in her unsettling way. He'd done his best to ignore it, valiantly attempting to both not make any mistakes for her to criticize and to not appear like he was trying too hard. She remained where she was, leaning on one elbow against the countertop, staring at his face, or his eyepatch, or his ear, or somewhere in his black hair like she was trying to figure out a mildly interesting puzzle.

Regaining his composure, Kaneki carefully put the pot of coffee on the counter. Nursing his injured hand– and inwardly marvelling at how it was already beginning to get that low itch that came with healing– he looked back at her and smiled to hide his confusion. "Sorry, Touka-san. What did you say?"

Touka clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "You smell like a woman," she repeated harshly.

"I– ah," Kaneki stuttered. He could feel his face starting to heat up as if the coffee had managed to splash from his chest to his cheeks. He timorously raised his hand to fiddle with a strand of his hair. "You mean, like my shampoo or something?"

"Not your soap," Touka said. She pushed away from the counter to stare right up into his face. She cocked her head, and while she didn't do anything as obvious as audibly sniffing him, she was clearly contemplating his aroma. "You."

"I– I really don't know what you're talking about, Touka-san–"

"–You still smell like you did before," she went on, ignoring him. "When you were human. But but you also smell like a woman."

She stepped forward again, and Kaneki stumbled back, cornered against the counter and narrowly missed hitting the coffee pot again with his unburned hand.

Kaneki waited as Touka continued staring at him, brows furrowed, breathing through her nose. He could see her nostrils flaring slightly with each breath, her hair waving gently in the breeze it generated. His own breath was caught somewhere in his throat as he watched her examine him.

Her head snapped up, eyes suddenly narrowed and angry. She turned away sharply, grabbing the pot of coffee as she stepped out around the counter to refill the cups of their few remaining customers. "It's distracting."

Kaneki stared, wide-eyed, after her. "S-sorry?"

This seemed to be an acceptable answer, as Touka's eyes flashed back to him in a still disapproving but not quite as harsh glare. She humphed and wiped her nose with the inside of her arm, sniffing to expunge the smell. She turned away and returned to refilling mugs, no longer giving Kaneki any attention at all.

Kaneki remained against the counter, breathing heavily. He didn't smell anything.

…..

Knowing that he was distracting her was distracting him. It seemed like every time Kaneki turned around, Touka was there. Staring at him, or looking contemplative with her nose lifted in the air, or going about her duties with no signs of distraction at all, except that even as she smiled and laughed with the customers she was serving, her nose was wrinkled.

She didn't bring it up again, but she was always aware of him, and now Kaneki was aware of her awareness. It made him nervous– even more than usual. But all she would do when their gazes happened to meet was raise an eyebrow in challenge. They only spoke about their duties, or occasionally about getting together to train again.

But she was still staring, and taking those long deep breaths through her nose when they were both behind the counter.

…..

"What are you wearing?" Touka said, reeling.

Kaneki looked down at himself. "M-my uniform?" he said uncertainly. He smoothed the apron, worried he'd somehow done it wrong, never mind that it was exactly the same as it had been for weeks.

"Not that." Her face was still contorted as if she were looking at something both horrifying and fascinating. She stepped closer cautiously, nose in the air and her lip curled.

Kaneki jumped as she reached out and ran a finger down the side of his neck. She stared at her finger incredulously, then held it accusingly in front of his face.

"That!"

"Ah," Kaneki stuttered, baffled. He stared at her finger, then at her face, then again her finger before realizing what she might be on about. "Oh. I'm, uh, wearing cologne."

"How much?!"

Kaneki flushed. He hadn't really thought about it. It had just been a passing thought in the morning, after his shower. He'd seen the bottle sitting there, and Touka's behavior had flashed across his mind, and he'd thrown some on before getting dressed, and forgotten about it. He didn't normally wear it, except for special occasions, but it wasn't as if the smell itself was particularly noticeable.

"I don't know," he said honestly. In spite of himself, his fingers clenched into fists. Touka's behavior was really starting to irritate him. "You're the one who implied I needed to smell more manly."

Touka lowered her hand. Her face had returned to its default deadpan expression. "It doesn't help."

Kaneki flushed again, this time more out of anger, and he pressed past her to get to the counter. "Well, sorry, but I have every right to wear cologne if I want to. It's none of your business."

If Touka was offended, she didn't show it. She followed him to the coffee maker. "It's not bad cologne, you're just wearing too much." She wrinkled her nose again. "You smell like the cosmetics department at a department store."

Kaneki pressed the button on the machine and wished there were something more violent involved in the preparation of beverages. "It'll fade in time, nothing I can do about it now."

"You could shower."

Kaneki slammed the cups he was getting out onto the counter and whirled around to call her out, but Touka was already gone, across the room to greet a couple of customers attracted by the smell of fresh coffee.

Kaneki grit his teeth and waited for the coffee to percolate.

…..

"Dude, you reek."

Kaneki snatched the offered papers from Hide's hand. "So I hear," he said shortly. "Is this it?"

Hide shrugged. "Not much homework this week. Which you would know if you would show up more than once a month. Seriously, what's with the odor?"

Kaneki looked up at Hide, already exhausted even though the work day wasn't even half over. He got the idea. He was ready to throw the damn bottle of cologne away as soon as he got home. "It's a long story," he muttered, flicking through the papers.

"Trying to impress someone?" Hide teased, leaning eagerly forward. "Who? A customer? Is she pretty?"

"Appeasing somebody," Kaneki corrected, "And failing miserably. I put on too much, I get it. She hasn't let me forget it all day."

"Ah, so there is someone?" Hide said. He craned his neck to look around the cafe.

"Just forget it, Hide."

"Oi, stinky." Touka paused at their table and put her tray casually on top of Kaneki's head, only nodding politely at Hide. "Break's almost over. Two minutes."

"I know," Kaneki said, sinking deeper into his seat with mortification and irritation. Touka just smirked and walked off with her tray, leaving him with a grinning Hide.

"Aw, you're trying to impress Touka-chan?"

"Just forget it, okay?" Kaneki sighed. "She said something to rub me the wrong way and I rose to the bait. Now she's teasing me worse than ever."

"Dude," Hide said. His grin was toned down, but it now had that almost condescending look reserved for somebody not noticing something obvious. "She's teasing you because she likes you."

Kaneki pushed himself away from the table and tied his apron back around his waist. "Don't be ridiculous. Touka doesn't like anybody."

…..

He didn't wear cologne the next day.

Touka didn't comment on it, but she did quirk her eyebrows again.

Kaneki pushed it out of his mind. The days went by without further incident, and the teasing went back down to its more reasonable levels. Everything was back to normal.

Except she was still staring at him, and Kaneki found himself flinching every time he heard her inhale.

…..

"Did you stop eating again?"

Kaneki looked up blearily. He could feel the imprint of the table on his forehead, and the sun was too bright. Nishio's head was to the right of it, just short of blocking the light from his eyes.

"What do you care if I eat or not?"

Nishio quirked an eyebrow at the rudeness, clearly expecting Kaneki to be his usual, fretful self. The expression reminded him of Touka.

"Because the last time you got hungry, you nearly killed me. And Hide," he added as an afterthought, perhaps realizing that Kaneki's human friend would yield more of a reaction. "If you're going to lose control and attack people again, I'd like to be forewarned."

Kaneki sighed and reached for his coffee cup, draining the dregs only to find them cold and bitter. He didn't normally bother coming to school any more, but Hide had been bothering him, and he had thought it might be nice to spend some time somewhere neither Anteiku nor home. The coffee wasn't as good as he remembered it.

"I'm eating fine," he said, when it was obvious Nishio wasn't going away. He gestured halfheartedly at the opposite bench, and Nishio sat. "Just having a rough couple of weeks."

"Hmm," said Nishio, obviously not very interested.

"Touka is driving me up the wall," he confessed.

Nishio snorted. "Frankly, I'm amazed you put up with her this long. Or that she put up with you. What's she doing now?"

"She keeps..." Kaneki blushed and looked down into his lap, suddenly embarrassed about it. "She keeps smelling me."

"It's hard not to smell you."

Offense automatically reared up in Kaneki's head, only to quell itself when he realized that Nishio had no idea about the whole cologne incident. Wait, wasn't that more offensive?

"You smell weird, for a ghoul," Nishio elaborated, shrugging. "Not like Touka's the only one who's told you that."

"I guess," said Kaneki. He rolled his empty cup around on the table. "She's the only one who keeps commenting though. And she's always… standing there, staring at me. Or sniffing me."

"Hm."

"She said I smell like a woman."

"You do smell like a woman," Nishio said, and Kaneki bristled. "I told you that the first time we met." He smirked and pushed his glasses up his nose. "It's only to be expected, given what you are. You do have Rise-san's organs after all. Her kagune. Her scent. Mixed with what you were before, it smells different. But still… very feminine."

Kaneki groaned and returned his head to the table.

…..

"Do you have to stand so close to me?"

"Yes," Touka said. Her tone was utterly unapologetic. "You've burned yourself or the coffee three times already this week. I want to see what you're doing wrong."

I'm doing things wrong because you keep unnerving me! Kaneki thought. "It's nothing, I've just been a little absent-minded lately. I'll do better."

"Do you need to eat?"

Kaneki pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, I don't need to eat."

Touka clearly didn't believe him. She moved from behind his back to peer under his elbow up at his face. And she inhaled again. Her nose wrinkled. "When's the last time you ate?"

"Does it really matter? I'll eat something on break if you're that worried about– ow!"

Kaneki had reached over Touka's head for the handle just as she was straightening up, and the collision knocked the pot of near-boiling coffee out of his hands and all over his front. He dropped to his knees as Touka stumbled backwards, rubbing her head, eyes wide.

"Are you alright?!"

Kaneki made a rather undignified squealing sound in reply. The coffee was already cooling, but the burns stung more and more with each second. Touka grabbed his arm and hauled him to his feet.

"I'm fine," he managed, through gritted teeth. "The apron got most of it."

"Don't be an idiot," Touka said. She was manhandling him through the back door, ignoring the curious stares and offers to help from the crowd that had gathered. "Go upstairs, to the shower. Get undressed, run cold water over it. I'll see if I can find a spare uniform."

"It'll be healed in a few minutes," Kaneki protested.

"And it will hurt until then, and you're not spending the rest of your shift in coffee-soaked clothes. If you don't get them off now, it'll stain, anyway."

"I-I guess," Kaneki said. Touka shoved him through the shower door and closed it.

"Give me your clothes!"

"Alright, alright," Kaneki said, pulling off his trousers. It did feel better to get them off. The skin beneath was red and sensitive, but not blistered, and he sighed. He reluctantly pulled off the apron and shirt as well. They were brown and soggy, and even Kaneki's chest was wet. He cracked the door just enough to push the whole sopping mess through, and Touka took them from him.

"I'll put these in the wash and look for a spare uniform. You take a shower. You don't want to smell like coffee."

"We work in a coffee shop."

"Like old coffee!"

Kaneki laughed slightly and brushed off some of the drops congealing on his chest. She had a point, even if she was commenting on his scent again. He supposed this was her way of apologizing for being in his way and making him drop the pot in the first place. She hadn't yelled at him about it, anyway, so he assumed she was taking some of the blame. And it was better than wearing wet clothes all day.

Touka slipped in and out while he used the shower. He heard her come in and turned to the wall, but she clearly wasn't looking. She dropped off a pile of clothes and disappeared without a word, probably as embarrassed as he was. He sighed in relief and turned the temperature up again. He'd started out with the water cold, but as the burn healed, he kept raising it until it was back at his usual comfort level.

There were no towels when he got out. He'd been in such a hurry to get in that he hadn't bothered to look, and Touka didn't answer when he called tentatively out the door. She must have gone downstairs and back to work. He dried himself with a hand towel.

…..

"Um, Touka," Kaneki called from a crack in the kitchen door. "Can I talk to you?"

"Are you done?" Touka asked, distracted by filling a tray with cappuccino orders. "I could use a hand in here."

"Touka, I kind of… Where did you find the uniform? I want to see if there's something that fits better."

"There aren't any more, I checked," she said, matter-of-fact as usual. "And your other clothes are still washing, so forget that. Just deal with it."

"But I think you accidentally–"

"Look, it was that or nothing at all," said Touka, pushing her hair out of her eyes as she stomped over to him. "If I can wear a skirt all day, you can wear one for two hours while your trousers dry."

Not a mistake then. "This is taking things way too far!" Kaneki hissed. He was sure his face was bright red.

"I'm not teasing you! There's really nothing else. I looked. If Yomo or the manager come back, they might have something, but I've checked the whole place and there's nothing. And I can't manage a full house on my own, so just throw an apron over it, and stay behind the counter. Nobody will notice."

She turned away and grabbed the trayful of drinks, customer-service smile back in place.

Kaneki deflated, running his head along the doorframe. The skirt felt like it barely covered his butt, although it was fairly close to his knees when he'd checked in the mirror upstairs. He was only grateful he hadn't given Touka his underwear to wash, even if they were still slightly damp with coffee. He grabbed an apron and went out to the kitchen.

…..

"It suits you," Touka said, tilting her head slightly. She was leaning on one of the tables on her side of the cafe, already done cleaning and looking bored as she waited for Kaneki. He would never understand how she could do her closing tasks so quickly– and sometimes part of his as well.

"What suits me?" Kaneki asked, tired. He was still mopping the floor, and every step was an effort.

"The skirt."

Kaneki froze in place, fingers clenching the mop handle to the point of hurting. "Touka," he said, after a couple of deep breaths, "I'm really not up to–"

"I mean it. It flatters your ass." She scowled at said ass as if it had personally offended her. "Looks better on you than me."

Kaneki flushed deep red and kept mopping, eager to finish and go change back into his proper clothes.

"I don't like men," she said suddenly, after he had begun to hope they could finish in silence.

"You seem to like Yomo alright," said Kaneki. He already knew he annoyed her. "And the manager."

"I don't mean I don't like men," Touka said, already angry. It didn't matter much if he were actually being stupid or deliberately obtuse. "I am not attracted to men. Physically or emotionally. I never have been. I like girls."

He didn't answer for a moment, and the mop stilled. "I didn't know that about you," he said quietly. "Thank you for telling me."

Touka snorted derisively. "I'm not 'coming out' to you, idiot. Everyone who matters already knows."

"Oh," he said, uncertain again.

"I'm attracted to women," she said, slowly, as if she were trying to give him a hint to solving an obvious riddle.

He stared at her blankly.

"You smell like a woman."

He stared at her some more, then jumped as two and two suddenly came together as four. "I– ah, wh– that's just because of Rize–"

"I wasn't attracted to Rize," Touka said, rolling her eyes. "And you don't even smell that much like her any more. It's your smell I like."

She stood up, her chair making an awful noise as it scraped out behind her. Kaneki backed up as she stomped over to him. She grabbed his collar and yanked him down to look her in the eye.

"I don't like men," she said again. "But I do like you. And that's weird and annoying." She cocked her head. "Just like you."

"Touka–"

She slipped her hand under his skirt and cupped his butt to shut him up. "It's been months now, and I've been thinking about it, and it hasn't gone away. So I guess I like you. And you obviously like me– don't even, I can smell it on you. Anyone with half a nose can smell the attraction. Even that human friend of yours."

"He's… very observant," Kaneki squeaked.

Touka let go of his collar to run her hand through his hair, pulling off his eyepatch and smirking at the red and black underneath. She reached to pull him down farther, moving her hand up to the small of his back to get a better hold, and buried her face in his chest, inhaling deeply.

"We both have the morning shift tomorrow," Touka went on, speaking into his clavicle. She pulled away and tossed her hair, totally composed as if nothing had happened at all, and Kaneki was left gaping at her. She raised an eyebrow. "Instead of going all the way home and coming back, I'm going to stay the night here."

She untied her apron and tossed it onto the counter. She turned to look at him before going through the door, arms crossed and stern look in its usual place.

"Um," said Kaneki, clearing his throat when it became obvious Touka was waiting for something. "I should, um…"

"Take off your apron," Touka ordered, cutting him off as he gestured towards the door, "and go upstairs."

Kaneki swallowed and took a step towards her.

"Leave the skirt and uniform on. I want to undress you at my own pace."

As he came to meet her, she grabbed the front of his skirt and pulled him to her, jamming their hips together. A brief look of annoyance flashed over her eyes, but she reached up to pull him into a kiss anyway.

"We'll deal with that when we get to it, I guess. Can't say I particularly want that thing inside me."

Kaneki choked a little and blushed. Touka smiled up at him and scratched him on the head like he was a well-behaved dog.

"For now, you've got nice fingers." She laced hers with his, then stood on her toes for another kiss. "And a nice mouth, if you're brave enough."

"Hmmn," Kaneki said.

She quirked her eyebrow again and stepped away, stopping when he followed her.

"Well, say something," she said, amused. "I didn't think that I would be the talkative one in this relationship. What're you thinking?"

"I was…" Kaneki said. He hesitated, then closed the gap between them to wrap his arms around her and bury his face in her shoulder.

"I was just thinking you smell good."


End file.
